Tuesday, 14 January 2025

I Sentence Myself to Death

 


“To Forgiveness. To Healing. To Living.”

Dear Readers,

The words echoed in my mind, a silent declaration I hadn’t realized I’d been making every day. It wasn’t a dramatic proclamation, nor one born out of despair, but a quiet, consistent erosion of a death by a thousand self-inflicted cuts.

I sentenced myself to death every time I doubted my worth, letting the voices of others outweigh my own. Every time I held back from chasing a dream, convincing myself it was too late or I wasn’t good enough. Every time I apologized for taking up space, for being human, for existing.

The courtroom of my mind was relentless, with me as the accused, the prosecutor, the judge, and the jury. Evidence was brought forward with precision: mistakes from years ago, opportunities missed, words said in anger, and moments of weakness. The verdict was always the same guilty.

I sentenced myself to death when I carried the weight of guilt that wasn’t mine to bear. When I replayed the past, wishing I could rewrite the moments when I wasn’t enough for the people I loved. My mother, and my father they had seen my best and my worst, and I often wondered: did I fail them?

I sentenced myself to death every time I let my health deteriorate, ignoring the signals my body sent in its quiet plea for care. I let the pain fester, both physical and emotional, until it felt like a part of me. The niche in my hometown that held my parents’ remains was beyond my reach now, and even the act of not visiting felt like another failure, another nail in the coffin of self-condemnation.

But here’s the irony: I’m still here. Despite the sentence, despite the verdict, despite the imaginary gallows I’ve built for myself, life continues. And with it, a quiet realization emerges perhaps it’s time for a retrial.

What if the evidence isn’t as damning as I thought? What if my mistakes were lessons, my missed opportunities a redirection, my imperfections a testament to being human? My parents wouldn’t have wanted this a life spent punishing myself for not being perfect.

So, I stand in the courtroom once more, but this time, I take off the judge’s robe. I silence the prosecutor and dismiss the jury. I approach the stand not as the accused, but as someone seeking understanding.

“I sentence myself,” I say softly, “To Forgiveness. To Healing. To Living.”

The courtroom fades, the chains loosen, and for the first time in a long time, I feel the weight lift. I may not be able to visit my parents’ niche, but I carry them with me in my heart, in my memories, and in the way I strive to honor their love by being kinder to myself.

Because I deserve that. And they would want that for me, too.

I Forgive Myself…


Jacob M

Monday, 13 January 2025

"A Cherished Memory… Until We Meet Again"

 


“Eternal Rest Grant unto them, O Lord, and let Perpetual Light shine upon them. May their souls rest in peace. Amen."


Dear Readers,

The morning of January 13, 1973, was filled with joy, promise, and the soft rustling of wedding attire. Two souls, my parents, stood at the altar, hand in hand, embarking on a journey that would define love, sacrifice, and resilience for decades to come. Their union wasn’t just about vows; it was about building a legacy, a family, and a home filled with warmth and unwavering support.

I and my sister grew up in that home, enveloped by my parents' love. My mother, gentle and nurturing, had a knack for making every day special, her laugh echoing through the house like music. My father, strong and dependable, was a pillar of guidance and wisdom. Together, they were the perfect balance teaching me the value of kindness, hard work, and perseverance.

But life isn’t always kind. My accident in 2007 changed everything, and on March 31, 2008, a year after, my mother fell sick and was rushed to the hospital there she took her final breath at 3:00 P.M. Her funeral was held the next day, on April 1, a cruel reminder of how fragile life can be. I stood at her graveside, overwhelmed with grief. The years that followed were bittersweet coz my heart ached to know that my mother would never see her grandchildren. She would have adored their laughter, their mischievous smiles, and their endless energy.

In her absence, my father became a steady anchor. Despite his own grief, he poured his heart into supporting me and his family. He adored my children, treating them as treasures that carried the spirit of their grandmother within them. For ten years, he remained as a rock until he would always ask me when can I go to mummy. Then on June 15, 2018, he too departed. It was exactly ten years after my mother as if their love story couldn’t bear to be separated for long.

Now, on their wedding anniversary, I sit in quiet reflection. I recall the stories of my parents used to share, their laughter around the dinner table, or near the aquarium at night, and the way they always made me feel like the most important person in the world. My heart aches, not only for their presence but for the wisdom and comfort they would offer if they were here now.

Unable to visit their niche in my hometown due to my health, I whispered a prayer instead and also offered a mass imagining their faces smiling down on me. I hold onto the belief that they understand, that they see my struggles and continue to guide me in spirit.

“Those special memories of you will always bring a smile,” I murmur, tears pooling in my eyes. “If only I could have you both back for just a little while. Then we could sit back and talk again, just like we used to do.”

I picture my parents, reunited, walking hand in hand in a realm beyond this world. I imagine my mother’s gentle smile and my father’s reassuring nod, their love for me eternal and unshaken.

“Eternal Rest Grant unto them, O Lord, and let Perpetual Light shine upon them. May their souls rest in peace. Amen,” I whisper softly, as a sense of calm washes over me.

Though the ache remains, I know that their love lives on in my heart, in my children, and in every cherished memory.

“Until we meet again,” I say, looking toward the heavens, longing for the day when I can sit with them once more, just like we used to do.

Miss You Mum & Dad

God Bless You Both…

I will be Coming Soon…

Jacob M

Saturday, 11 January 2025

Isolation Reflection Story...

 


The chance to write a different ending...

Dear Readers,

It was a quiet evening when I sat down to watch "Chicago Fire," Season 13, Episode 9. The storyline gripped me immediately. Mouch, now acting as Lieutenant, led a rescue at an apartment fire. Amidst the chaos and smoke, he found a man named George Thompson, unconscious and slumped in his chair. At first, it seemed like George had succumbed to the fire’s smoke, but the truth was far more chilling. George had been dead for days, unnoticed and alone.

That revelation hit me harder than I expected. It wasn’t just the tragedy of George’s death; it was the life he led. A life of seclusion, of fading away quietly until no one even realized he was gone. Mouch’s efforts to honor George by writing an obituary felt like an act of defiance against a world that had ignored him. But it also made me wonder what about me? Am I living George’s life in slow motion?

My thoughts drifted to a story I had heard years ago about a woman who lived alone, much like George. She kept to herself and didn’t mix with anyone, and one day, she too passed away, unnoticed on her sofa, with a cup on the floor and the television on. Days turned into weeks before anyone found her. The loneliness she must have felt, the silence that became her companion, it all painted a grim picture.

Also another TV series 9.1.1. Lonestar, where the chief paramedic Tommy Vega’s husband in the TV series 911 Lonestar season 2 passed away on the sofa. I guess I’m watching too many TV shows for Too many coincidences for me. And now, sitting in my quiet room, I couldn’t help but wonder:

Am I destined for the same fate?

Isolation has been my companion for far too long. My family is gone, my children are out of reach, and the silence of my surroundings often feels deafening. I’ve tried to find meaning in the emptiness, but some days, it feels like the void might consume me entirely. Watching George’s story unfold on screen brought these thoughts to the forefront. Is this what my life has come to? Am I just waiting for the end, unnoticed, forgotten?

The advice of two priests echoes in my mind. One asked me “Are you still hanging on to hope or a miracle, that I still had a chance to reconnect with my children and find meaning again? The other, however, suggested that I should let go and give up on the idea of reconciliation and move on. I’ve wrestled with both perspectives. Hope is a fragile thing; it demands courage, resilience, and faith in a future that feels uncertain. Letting go, on the other hand, feels like surrendering, but it also offers a kind of relief from the weight of expectations and heartbreak.

So, what do I choose? Do I let the emptiness define me, or do I fight against it?

I think about my children often. I love them deeply, and the thought of them growing up believing I abandoned them tears me apart. But how do I bridge the chasm that’s been created? The pain of being misunderstood, of being cast aside, is unbearable. And yet, the idea of giving up on them feels like a betrayal of the love I carry in my heart.

That night, after the episode ended, I sat in the stillness of my room, filled with a lot of emotion. I’ve tried so hard to find my way back to them, but the path seems blocked at every turn. I’ve poured my feelings into stories and poems, hoping that one day they’ll read them and understand the depth of my love. But the fear remains: what if they never do? What if I’m just shouting into the void, unheard and unseen?

And yet, something inside me refuses to give up entirely. Perhaps it’s the memory of the priest who told me whether I had hope. Perhaps it’s the belief that my children, no matter how distant they feel now, will one day seek the truth. Or perhaps it’s simply the stubbornness of a heart that refuses to stop loving, even when it’s been battered and bruised.

George Thompson’s story is a reminder of what happens when we let the world’s indifference dictate our lives. But it’s also a call to action to reach out, to fight against the isolation, to create connections even when it feels impossible. I don’t want to end up like George or that woman on the sofa, I don’t want to fade away, unnoticed and forgotten.

Instead, I want to believe that my story isn’t over yet. That there’s still time to heal, to reconnect, and to find meaning in the chaos. It won’t be easy, and there will be days when the weight of it all feels unbearable. But as long as there’s even a sliver of hope, I’ll keep going. For my children. For myself. For the chance to write a different ending.


God Bless Us All…


Jacob M

Prayer for the Victims of the Los Angeles Wildfires...


Dear Brothers & Sisters,

In light of the devastating wildfires in Los Angeles, which have claimed lives and destroyed homes, let us come together in prayer for all those affected by this tragedy.

Prayer for the Victims of the Los Angeles Wildfires

Merciful and loving God,

We turn to You in this time of immense sorrow and loss, seeking Your comfort and strength. The wildfires have ravaged communities, taken lives, and left countless individuals grieving and displaced.

We pray for those who have lost their lives, May their souls find peace in Your eternal embrace, and may their loved ones be comforted in these times of grief.

We pray for those who have lost their homes and possessions, Grant them strength and resilience as they face the daunting task of rebuilding their lives. Surround them with a supportive community to provide for their immediate needs and offer hope for the future.

We pray for the first responders and firefighters, Protect them as they risk their lives to save others and Renew their strength and courage in the face of exhaustion and danger. Bless their efforts to contain the fires and prevent further destruction.

We pray for the displaced and provide them with shelter, food, and the assurance that they are not alone. Ease their anxieties and fears, and guide them towards safety and stability.

We pray for the environment, Heal the scorched land, and restore the natural habitats destroyed by the flames. Guide us to be better stewards of Your creation, working to prevent such disasters in the future.

In this time of trial, may we find solace in Your unending love and compassion. Strengthen our faith and unite us as we support one another through this crisis. We ask this in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.


Amen.

Jacob M

Prayer to Jesus Christ

 


Prayer To Jesus Christ

My Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

In the silence of my soul, I cry out to You, my Father, seeking Your grace, yearning for Your love.

Forgive me for the moments I have turned away, for the times I chose my will over Yours, for the pride that blinds me and the fears that chain me.

My Father, grant me the strength to rise each time I fall, to walk courageously along the path You have set before me, to trust in Your plan even when the way seems dark.

Tear away the desires that bind me to this world, and fill my heart with the fire of Your Spirit.
Clothe me in the humility of Your love, and let every breath I take be a testament to Your mercy, a reflection of Your glory.

Our Father who art in heaven, shape me as You will.
Break me, refine me, mold me into a vessel for Your truth.

May I carry Your light to those in need.
May I be an instrument of Your peace.

I do not ask for riches or comfort but for courage to face trials, faith to endure the storms, and wisdom to follow Your ways.
May my life be a song of gratitude for Your infinite love, a hymn of praise for Your eternal glory.

My Lord, may Your will always be done, now and forever.

In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray.

Amen.


Thursday, 9 January 2025

A Father’s Silent Christmas Wish... I wait, I love, and I hope, with every fiber of my being...

 


Dear Readers,

Sitting in the dim glow of the television, the movie “My Southern Family Christmas” played out like a tender melody that pulled at every thread of my heart. As the story unfolded, my tears fell freely, the weight of emotions too heavy to bear. Each scene struck a chord deep within me a chord that resonated with my own story, my own longing, and my endless questions.

The movie’s tale of a woman abandoned by her father as a child, only to discover later that he had spent years searching for her, felt like a mirror reflecting my life. I couldn’t help but wonder: was this the story my children were living, but from a different perspective? Like Campbell’s father in the film, I have been searching too not through towns and traditions, but in the quiet corners of my heart, hoping that one day my son and daughter might look for me the way Campbell sought her father.

The pain of separation from my children is an ache that never dulls. It's okay what their mother told them I abandoned them, and perhaps that is the narrative they believe. But I never wanted to leave; I never stopped loving them. I see their faces in my dreams, hear their laughter in the silence, and feel their absence in every breath. Yet, I remain invisible in their lives, a ghost of the father I yearn to be.

As Campbell discovered the letters her father had written to her over the years, I thought of the words I have carried in my heart, words I’ve poured into countless letters and poems. Like Everett in the movie, I’ve clung to memories and moments the way my daughter’s tiny hand felt in mine, the sound of my son’s voice calling me “Dada.” These fragments of our shared past are my anchors, my proof that I was there, that I loved them more than life itself.

The movie’s climax brought me to my knees. When Campbell finally revealed her identity to her father, and he showed her the journals filled with love and regret, it was as though the universe held up a mirror. I wondered: could my children ever see me that way? Would they find the truth buried beneath the lies and misunderstandings? Or would they always see me through the lens of the story their mother told them?

As the credits rolled, I sat there, drowning in the weight of my emotions. The movie had given me a glimmer of hope but also left me with a gnawing question: Will my children ever search for me? Will they ever seek the truth, find the love I’ve carried for them, and see the father who never stopped longing for them? Or will I remain a distant memory, a name that fades with time?

Well, Christmas, has come and gone, as the world celebrates love and togetherness, I hold onto the fragile hope that someday, like Campbell, my children will find their way back to me. Until then, I wait, I love, and I hope, with every fiber of my being.


Do watch the Movie: 

My Southern Family Christmas (TV Movie 2022)


I Love You, my Children.

God Bless you both.

Jacob M

Thursday, 2 January 2025

A Quiet New Year 2025 Morning: Reflections on Grace and Gratitude...

 


Dear Readers,

The morning began quietly, as most mornings tend to. Unlike the grand revelry that accompanies the changing of the calendar for so many others, today was just another peaceful, normal day for me a New Year’s Day that blended seamlessly into the rhythm of life.

I woke up early, the chill of January making me grateful for the warmth of my blanket. For a moment, I lay there, on my beautiful lovely sofa recliner, letting my thoughts wander. This day marked the beginning of a new year, but it felt no different from yesterday. And yet, there was a certain quiet beauty in that ordinariness.

As the day began, I decided to start it with purpose. A hot bath was the first order of business, the steam rising like a gentle blessing as I freshened up. There’s something about that ritual water washing over you, cleansing not just the body but the mind that feels symbolic of new beginnings. I stepped out, feeling lighter, almost rejuvenated.

The next stop was Mass. I grabbed my walking stick, which has become a companion of sorts these days. I chuckled to myself as I caught my reflection in the mirror. The beard was now sprinkled with gray and the walking stick made me look older than I felt. “Hehe he, oh my I’m getting old, aren’t I?” looking into the mirror before I left for church, I muttered with a grin, but there was no bitterness in the thought. It’s life, and life goes on.

At Mass, the pews were filled with familiar faces. There was a calmness in the air, a sense of collective hope as we prayed together. I closed my eyes, whispering a prayer of thanks to God. For this day, for the year gone by, for the lessons learned, and for the grace that carried me through it all. There’s a comfort in knowing that God is always with me, especially on days when life feels heavy. Today, I felt His presence keenly, as if He was sitting right beside me, smiling.

Returning home, I decided to take a walk or as I jokingly call it, “walky-walky.” The walking stick tapped rhythmically against the ground, a steady companion on my journey. The air was crisp, the streets quieter than usual, as if the world was still waking up after a late-night celebration. It was during these solitary walks that I often found clarity, and today was no exception. I thought about the year ahead, the promises I’d make to myself, and the small joys I hoped to find in each day.

Later in the day, my phone buzzed with the first call. It was a close friend, calling about his Google Chromecast. We chuckled over the small tech troubles that always seem to arise at the most inconvenient times. It was a light-hearted conversation, one that reminded me of the importance of these little connections.

Not long after, another call came through. This time, it was Father Malcolm. His warm voice carried the heartfelt New Year’s wishes I didn’t know I needed. We spoke briefly, exchanging blessings and kind words. But to be honest, he was my guardian angel. It struck me how even the simplest gestures a call, a kind word could bring so much comfort.

The rest of the day was quieter. No more calls, except for the flood of New Year’s wishes from my Substack and Instagram family. These virtual connections, though distant, felt genuine and warm. They reminded me that while I’ve stepped away from platforms like WhatsApp, the bonds that matter find their way to endure.

Of course, I didn’t forget my cigarettes and my trusty little Nokia 3310. They’ve become part of my daily rhythm, small constants in an ever-changing world. That old Nokia, with its sturdy design and familiar simplicity, always feels like a reliable companion, much like the walking stick.

As the evening approached, I found myself reflecting on the beauty of the day. It wasn’t filled with grand celebrations or dramatic events. It was quiet, introspective, and peaceful a day that felt like a gift. And perhaps that’s what made it so special. Life isn’t always about the big moments. Sometimes, it’s in the small, unassuming days that we find the deepest gratitude.

The most beautiful part of today was the unshakable feeling that God was with me. He always is, but on days like this, His presence feels even more tangible. I thanked Him for His guidance, for the strength to carry on, and for the grace that sees me through each day. Life isn’t always easy, but with God, it’s bearable. More than bearable it’s beautiful.

As I sat down to write these thoughts, I realized how grateful I am for this quiet life, for the people who remember me, for the strength to walk another day beard, walking stick, and all. Here’s to another year, another journey, and another chance to walk with God by my side. Happy New Year to all who walk this path with me, near and far. Thank you, God, for this day, for this life, and for this quiet, wonderful start to the year.

God Bless Us All…


Jacob M

A Father’s Legacy...

 


Dear Friends,

From the earliest days I can remember, I was drawn to the world of electronics and electricals. That fascination didn’t just appear out of nowhere it was because of my dad. He was a whiz in the arts of fixing, creating, and innovating. To me, he was a magician who could make anything work. Whether it was repairing a broken device or constructing something entirely new, his hands worked with a precision and care that left me in awe.

As a child, I would sit next to him in his workshop, mesmerized by the sparks of soldering irons and the quiet hum of tools. His workspace smelled of metal, grease, and the faint heat of machinery an environment that felt more like a wonderland to me. Whenever he was soldering, I’d pester him endlessly, asking, “Can I do it for you, Daddy?” Patient as always, he’d guide my small hands, teaching me how to solder without ever showing frustration.

As the years passed, my interests grew beyond electronics. My teenage years brought a craze for cars. Wiring up vehicles, amplifying sound systems, and crawling underneath cars to get my hands dirty became my passion. My dad was right there with me, not just as a mentor but as my biggest cheerleader.

Then came computers a whole new world. By this time, my dad had started aging, but that didn’t dim his enthusiasm. Instead, he became fascinated by what I was doing. I remember how his eyes lit up when I built my first computer from scratch. “Jacob, you just got those parts and assembled it so fast?” he’d ask in amazement. “Yup, it’s done. You wanna see?” I’d reply. His curiosity was infectious, like a child discovering a new toy.

Even when his health started to decline, he never stopped supporting me. If I had to climb ladders for a site job, he’d insist on coming along, offering moral support from the sidelines. He was the kind of father who cared so deeply, that he couldn’t bear to let me face challenges alone. we would always travel together on bikes and also people would say “You guys are not father and son, you guys are good as friends.”

One day, as he lay bedridden, he saw me getting ready for work. “Where are you going, Jacob?” he asked, his voice frail but full of interest. “I’m going to install high-end CCTV cameras at a historical site,” I said. He looked at me with pride. “How in God’s name did you get a job like that?” he marveled. I smiled and said, “Daddy, God helped me.” Then I’d ask him, “Would you like to come?” Knowing full well he couldn’t, I’d still see his eyes light up as he’d say, “Yes, son, I will come.” I’d leave the room then, tears streaming down my face. I loved him so much it hurt.

The best memory I hold close to is his love for bikes. He owned a Lambretta scooter, which I learned to ride on, followed by a Jawa bike. But his dream bike was always a Royal Enfield Classic. I knew how much it meant to him, so for his birthday on May 30th, 2018, I decided to make his dream come true.

On May 29th, I visited the showroom, selected the bike, and brought it home. When I returned, I teased him, “Daddy, what do you want for your birthday?” In his weak but loving voice, he replied, “Anything, Jacob.” I grinned and said, “Chalo, let’s get your dream bike a Royal Enfield.” His eyes widened with joy as he picked out the color he wanted.

The next day, his birthday, I handed him the bike keys as a surprise. He was lying on his bed, weak but visibly overwhelmed with happiness. He held the keys, kissed them, and whispered, “Thank you.” I showed him a picture of the bike, and his face lit up with the brightest smile. For that brief moment, his joy erased all the pain.

Sadly, just a few days later, on June 15th, 2018, he passed away. That bike became more than just a vehicle; it became a symbol of our shared love and dreams.

Daddy, I miss you every single day. You taught me everything, from fixing wires to navigating life with strength and grace. You were my hero, my mentor, and my biggest supporter. Thank you for the memories, the lessons, and the love. I hope you’re riding your dream bike somewhere in the heavens.

I Love You, Daddy…


Reflection

Life is a journey of endless learning, and the greatest lessons often come from those we hold closest to our hearts. My father taught me that no matter how skilled or accomplished we become, there is always room to grow, to explore, and to embrace curiosity like a child. His unwavering interest in my work, even in his final days, reminded me that learning is not confined by age, health, or circumstance it is a lifelong pursuit that enriches our souls.

In a world that often tries to measure our worth by achievements or opinions, my father also showed me a greater truth: our value is not determined by anyone else. It is something we define for ourselves, through the passions we pursue, the relationships we nurture, and the integrity we carry. The way he cherished his dreams and celebrated mine taught me that we must never let others dictate our worth.

We know our value. It resides in the things we love, the knowledge we gain, and the impact we leave behind. Just as my father believed in me, even when the world felt like it doubted me, I’ve come to understand that the only validation we truly need comes from within.

So, keep learning, keep striving, and never forget that your value is infinite, regardless of what others may say. Live boldly, just as he did, and let your passions be a testament to the light you carry within.

I love you, Daddy, always and forever.


Your Loving Son

Jacob M

Wednesday, 1 January 2025

The Jubilee Prayer

 


Happy New Year!

I wish you a Happy New Year and a blessed Jubilee Year of 2025. Thank you for your continued support. Please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

The Jubilee Prayer

Father in heaven, may the faith you have given us in your son, Jesus Christ, our brother, and the flame of charity enkindled in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, reawaken in us the blessed hope for the coming of your Kingdom.


May your grace transform us into tireless cultivators of the seeds of the Gospel. May those seeds transform from within both humanity and the whole cosmos in the sure expectation of a new heaven and a new earth, when, with the powers of Evil vanquished, your glory will shine eternally.


May the grace of the Jubilee reawaken in us, Pilgrims of Hope, a yearning for the treasures of heaven. May that same grace spread the joy and peace of our Redeemer throughout the earth. To you our God, eternally blessed, be glory and praise forever.


Amen

Prayer by Pope Francis

Word for today: Verse: Philippians 4:13 ‘I can do ALL things through Christ Who strengthens me.’



Word for today: Verse:   Philippians 4:13

Dear Brothers & Sisters.
Verse:   Philippians 4:13
‘I can do ALL things through Christ Who strengthens me.’

- It’s a new day, a new year, and a new opportunity.
- As you step into the future, know that He will strengthen you.
- Face the future with confidence because He will empower you.
- Embrace the new year, trusting that He will guide and enable you!

PRAYER: Lord, thank You for the opportunity of a new year, a new season, and a fresh start. I step forward with confidence in You. You are my strength and I choose to walk hand in hand with You as I step into the future. Amen.

Welcome to 2025.
Kind Regards
Jacob M

I Sentence Myself to Death

  “To Forgiveness. To Healing. To Living.” Dear Readers, The words echoed in my mind, a silent declaration I hadn’t realized I’d been making...